What do you get when an emotionally immature man marries an emotionally immature woman? Answer: Reverse the role. This phenomenon is widespread! Role reversal in marriage is so common that the reality is either right in your home, or very close to it! Almost everyone knows a family member or friend in an upside down marriage.
Usually, role reversal in marriage is discussed from the point of view of inequality in education, income, and housework. Bruce’s story is a great example.
“Our marriage is upside down and retarded. I’m my daddy. Among the four kids including our nine-year-old, Usher – I’ve changed 14,000 diapers. I do the washing, cleaning and most of the cooking. I worry about every cough and bloody nose.”
Rooney is a corporate attorney. She loves power tools, hardware stores, steakhouses, and playing the stock market. She warned me not to jump every time someone whipped their knee so we wouldn’t end up with a house of crying babies. It organizes, plans and plans. But although it’s Generalissimo Moma, we struggle over who’s in control.” (Lady’s Magazine, June 2003)
According to Bruce, Ronnie was more educated, earning three times his income (and three times the hours away from home), which put him largely responsible for managing the children and household chores.
Bruce’s story captures the easily noticeable things that often happen in reverse marriages. The emotional content that is rampant in these types of relationships is rarely checked. For many couples, this is the emotional reality that goes unaddressed at work and until their demise. Although Bruce’s relationship appears to be working with them, note his last sentence: “But even though it’s a Generalissimo Moma, we struggle over who’s in control.” Generalissimo Momma may be a funny pet name, but it’s an endearing one-I do not think so! The following words, “We struggle over who’s in control,” are evidence of an emotionally charged relationship.
Not the tasks that couples do. In many cases, an emotionally responsible and secure husband or wife can separate what he’s doing from their identity. But this is not the case for the emotionally immature. It’s how we feel about tasks. It’s how we feel when we engage in the task. It is the tension between what God created us to be and what we were raised and socialized with. Over the past twenty years, as a counselor and sponsor, I have spoken with hundreds of husbands and wives. Many experience role reversal. Couples who experience role reversal tend to be diplomatic, hospitable, and supportive. On the other hand, wives of such husbands are usually goal-oriented, focused, and dependable. All these characteristics are positive and useful.
The irony is that Jesus was all of these things. Husbands and wives fight to retain their special qualities when they each have their own. Think of these qualities as a left and right kid. Almost all of us have a controlling hand. It’s the one we use all the time. When threatening the dominant hand defends almost without fail. A dependent hand is a last resort. we’ve got. it’s working. We use it. Sometimes in low-risk situations, the dependent hand comes out great. But mostly, it is only used when needed. The immediate relief of a reversal marriage comes when one of the spouses begins to engage a subordinate’s hand. But for most this simple idea is filled with fear and is therefore completely avoided. Unfortunately, this contributes to emotional intoxication.
Each of the above characteristics has a transcendent aspect for which Christ died on the cross. Toxicity occurs when the power of a husband and wife builds up to the point that they dominate interactions and the husband is unable to process what is happening quickly or completely enough to achieve emotional stability. The inability to adapt to stress results in emotional injury. Repeated injury erodes the relationship and most importantly, desires the relationship. Toxicity in couples appears as non-confrontational, passive-aggressive, and non-committal. For wives, toxicity manifests as aggressive, controlling, and inflexible behaviours.
The main cause of emotional toxicity is overfeeding. We do this in several ways. For most people, our power is employed in work and play. Constantly using our strength makes it stronger. Another way to waste our strengths is to connect exclusively with those who share them. Moreover, our strength is activated when we maintain unfavorable attitudes towards those who do not possess it.
Another discovery I made is about husbands and wives in emotionally reversible marriages. They actually have some basic things in common. These common characteristics are pillars in emotional immaturity. They prevent us from growing. They are especially evident in toxic relationships. A few things opposite husbands and wives have in common are: fear, anger, and mistrust. For example, a spouse usually fears abandonment. The wife is afraid of rejection. Usually the husband gets angry at himself for signing his authority with someone else. The wife gets angry at others for misusing the power entrusted to them. Such husbands do not rust themselves, while their wives do not trust others.
Both husbands and wives in passionate marriages in which roles are reversed are rebels toward authority. Often husbands refuse to take God-given power and wives usurp God-given power. Perhaps the best way to start rearranging emotionally charged and role-reversed marriages is to explore those things that husbands and wives have in common. It will surely lead to a powerful dialogue. And I don’t think a husband or wife would covet a bragging right in such a conversation!