I often hear from people trying to come up with the best strategies for dealing with their spouse during a breakup. The goal is to make their wives want to return to them and prepare to save the marriage. To this end, one of the suggestions often made is to “ignore your spouse” or use “reverse psychology” to make them more willing to return.
I recently heard from a wife that she had read that she should completely “ignore” her husband during their separation until he wanted her so much more. I can see why this strategy looks attractive. The basic idea is that if you succeed, you won’t have to do much of anything (but a good acting job) and he will passionately and willingly do exactly what you’ve hoped all along. But my experience is that this strategy doesn’t always work that way. I will discuss some of the risks to this strategy (and tell you one that I think works best) in the following article.
Why I think ignoring your spouse during a breakup isn’t always the best idea: First of all, I don’t know a lot of people who can do just that. Unless you are an award winning actress or actor, it can be very difficult to make this convincing. (And if your husband sees this, he will quickly lose his respect for you.) The truth is, your husband probably knows you better (and can read you more accurately) than anyone else. It’s highly unlikely that they won’t see through this.
And even if they buy your business, do you really want your husband to think that you don’t care so much about them and your marriage that your response is to just ignore them? I am in favor of using some strategies to get your spouse back during a breakup, but the situation to portray something completely opposite to what you really feel (and what you really want) in my opinion is not just a risk, but not the best call.
There are also a lot of risks associated with this strategy. If you choose to ignore your spouse, you hope they won’t get hurt or put off because of it so much that they will actually come after you. Depending on your spouse’s personality and motives, this may or may not work. But, your spouse may get hurt or frustrated and respond by trying to move on or seeing other people. And even if it works out, your husband may end up feeling some resentment for being manipulated. This is not good for your marriage.
I agree that sometimes strategic planning is needed during a breakup. Here’s a strategy that I think is better than ignoring your spouse: One of the main ideas behind ignoring your spouse is that by not being around constantly or by not making yourself completely available to them, you will appear more attractive (and they will want you more) as a result. I totally agree with the mystery creation strategy and it actually ended up working for me. But there is a huge difference between creating mystery and completely ignoring the person you are trying to get back.
I think there’s a subtle dance between staying connected and showing you care while not always available or completely transparent. I invite you to reach out and interact with your spouse on a regular basis while you are separated. With that said, I think you have to be very thoughtful and be aware of the cards you are playing while you are doing this.
What I mean by this is that you always want your husband to know that you care deeply about him and the marriage. (I think sometimes it’s good for them to know you want to save the marriage, but respect that both of you need to make that decision.) At the same time, you also want it to be clear that you care enough about yourself to keep yourself busy and lively and that you don’t hold to every word or whim. for your partner.
It can actually help your case if your husband wonders where you are or why you sometimes don’t answer his call in the first episode. Does this mean you are ignoring them? of course not. You are simply giving the impression that you are also living your own life to the best of your ability during the breakup. This will usually make you seem more attractive than anyone who is anxiously waiting for your wife’s next call or message (which breaks down when he doesn’t come).
I think it’s perfectly fine to limit or time your presence just to show that you’re handling yourself just fine. However, you don’t want to take this to an extreme. Doing so shows disrespect towards your wife and is dishonest in a way (at least in my opinion) that it is not. For me, there is a difference between a strategy that puts you in the best light and one that is dishonest and risky.
During my semester, my leaving town and being away for a while was a turning point that really improved things. But I didn’t do it in an attempt to ignore my husband. I did this because I wanted and needed the support of my family and friends. My husband knew where I was and I checked in with him from time to time. But the ambiguity and distance this created helped.
So, while I think there is some validity to backing away a bit and being very deliberate in your interactions during your breakup, I’m not advocating making yourself completely unavailable unless you don’t want to or don’t interact with your spouse at all. They don’t care how they see or react to this.
I understand that this strategy is likely one of many that have been suggested to you. You will have to take your marriage and your spouse into account when deciding how you want to play this. But in my opinion you always want to stay true to your heart and not go to extremes or take big risks that may actually backfire if what you really want is to get your husband back rather than drive him away.